The Silent Struggle of Estranged Parents: Understanding the Emotional Toll

If you are here, it is likely that you are facing estrangement from your adult child. Welcome. The pain of being distanced from someone you love deeply can be overwhelming, and the emotional toll is often compounded by the lack of understanding from others. Many parents who experience estrangement find themselves in a difficult position—feeling isolated, judged, and unsure of where to turn for support.

I’m sure that, just like me, you were sucker-punched when your adult child estranged themselves from you. In my case, everything seemed to be going along famously until one day I texted my daughter and never received a reply. Well, she was juggling a job and a brand-new baby, so I figured she was just busy. After another week or so, I sent a text asking if everything was okay. Shortly thereafter, I received a text stating that she had been dealing with repressed emotions and resentments, making it incredibly difficult for her to communicate with me. To say I was floored is an understatement. We had just recently been hanging out and having a grand time—or so I thought. I racked my brain, trying to recall anything from her childhood that could have caused this visceral reaction some thirty years later. I went through a series of emotions, from guilt to sadness. I thought it was incredibly unfair to be cut off or have contact limited without an explanation. However, I respected her request and did not contact her at all. Luckily, her husband would meet me in town or stop by my house with my granddaughter so I could see her.

I belong to a few Facebook groups for parents with estranged adult children, and there seems to be a common MO (modus operandi) for how the estrangement begins. It usually comes out of nowhere, but is sometimes preceded by low contact. Then, when we innocently ask if everything is okay, we’re hit with the whole “I need space from you because you were abusive to me growing up.” Mind you, there is typically no initiating incident, so we’re completely blindsided by this revelation.

How did we, as parents, get here? This reality takes a huge emotional toll on us. We often feel a sense of shame, loss, and isolation. It’s difficult to talk to others about the pain we’re experiencing because of our fear of judgment. We, especially mothers, have intertwined so much of our identity with being parents that it’s a big blow to our ego and overall sense of self. If we failed as a mother, then what good are we? Well, I am here to tell you that we do not deserve this treatment, and what our adult children think about us does not define us. If you are new to the estrangement club, I know it sucks, but I promise you, things will get better. Hang in there, hold your head high, and don’t allow anyone to make you feel less than.